Who Are We?

Amy Spencer is a sex and relationship journalist and radio host. She writes about love and sex for Maxim, Glamour, Real Simple, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Match.com, and msn.com, among other publications. She was a launching editor of Maxim magazine in the U.S. as well as a features editor at Glamour, thus mastering both sides of the dating and relationship jungle. And following in the footsteps of fellow relationship experts Greg Behrendt and Dan Savage, Amy was a recent blogger for Chemistry.com's The Great Mate Debate. She has appeared as an expert on NBC's Access Hollywood, CBS' Entertainment Tonight, E's True Hollywood Story, VH1's Naked Hollywood, VH1's Christina Aguilera, the Fox News channel, and G4's Filter. She has done dozens of radio interviews around the country on FM, XM and Sirius radio. For the past four years, Amy has been the resident relationship expert on the Sirius Maxim channel, with a former weekly appearance on The Covino & Rich Show, and as a relationship expert on Howard Stern's Howard 100 News. Amy currently co-hosts the Sirius Maxim channel's #1 specialty show, Sex Files, a weekly live call-in advice show about love, sex and relationships.

In addition to answering viewers sex and relationship questions on G4's Attack of the Show, Anna David writes novels (the rights for her first one, Party Girl, which HarperCollins published in the summer of 2007, were snapped up by Sony Television while her second, Kept, is being published by Harper in March of 2009), blogs (about reality shows for foxnews.com and sex and relationships for wetv.com) and has talked about pop culture and sex on The Today Show, Hannity & Colmes, CNN's Showbiz Tonight, VH1, MTV, and E! among others. Anna wrote the sex column for Razor magazine and has written reported stories, celebrity profiles and first-person essays for The New York Times, The LA Times, Playboy, Details, Cosmo, Redbook, Maxim, Stuff, Movieline, Variety, Premiere, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide, LA Confidential, The New York Post, Women's Health, Ocean Drive and Esquire UK, among others. Her website, annalyticalanswers, houses many of her Attack of the Show clips as well as additional questions she answers for viewers. In April, 2008, Anna joined Amy as the co-host of the Sirius Maxim channel's Sex Files.

If We Met in a Former Life, Maybe He Was Straight Then

NEW YORK TIMES, Sunday, March 25, 2007
Modern Love

By ANNA DAVID

"He’s gay, you know,” Bonnie said.

We were sitting on stools at a bar on Melrose Avenue in West Hollywood, surrounded by Amstel Light bottles and cigarette smoke.

“Really?” I gasped.

“Really. And not just gay. Very gay.”

From across the bar, Brian caught my eye again and we gazed at each other lustfully. Bonnie had introduced us only moments before, and I was struck by the “love at first sight” lightning bolt.

Of course, I had felt such lightning bolts before. At 25, I couldn’t yet fathom relationships built on trust and mutual compromise; I saw only fables and romantic comedies. Love, I was convinced, happened in a lust-filled instant, and there was no mistaking it for anything else.

“I’ll be right back,” I said to Bonnie and made my way to Brian’s side.

“Oh, my God, Bonnie just told me,” I blurted to him, knowing I didn’t need to finish the sentence. I felt confident that the lightning bolt hadn’t only struck me; from the moment Bonnie had introduced us, Brian and I hardly had taken our eyes off each other. The news about his sexual orientation felt worse than disappointing; it actually seemed intrusive, like it was infringing on the course nature wanted us to take. “Is it true?”

“It is,” he said. “I mean, I always have been. But maybe I don’t know."

That opening, combined with the sight of his sparkling hazel eyes and perfect cheekbones, was enough for me. “I’m buying us shots,” I announced, certain that my bar order was the only thing we needed to reach the next step.

Though Brian was, in fact, “out,” he fit my profile of what I imagined a sartorially straight man might look like: he was dressed in a button-down shirt, gray slacks and basic black non-designer shoes, with no product in his hair.

And there was the matter of the eye contact we kept having not to mention that he seemed far more interested in cornering me for one-on-one conversations than other gay men I had met, who would start off talking to me alone but then trot me over to their friends as if I were a show-and-tell item, usually urging me to be “fierce” and funny.

By the end of the night, I was pretty sure this was love, and when I reconnected with Bonnie, she gave me all the confirmation I needed. “I can’t believe it,” she said, shaking her head, “but Brian is into you, too. This is just too bizarre.”

With that, I went up to Brian to say goodbye, and he asked me out for the next night. I nodded, giddy, and we kissed goodbye on the lips, in the bar, with seemingly no worries over who might see. What kind of a gay guy does that?

I figured the conversion process was more than halfway through.

When I was getting ready for Brian to pick me up the next night, I found myself more excited than I had ever been for any other date. There was something fabulously intense about an attraction so deep that it transcended the standard definitions of sexual orientation. The notion of a date with a regular old straight guy, who wouldn’t have to sacrifice or defy anything to go out with me, seemed downright dull in comparison.

Over steak and red wine, Brian and I wasted no time in psychoanalyzing his past. He told me about a traumatic incident in his adolescence involving his then-girlfriend and his brother, and how it led to feelings of betrayal and shame that he didn’t know how to handle. Soon after, he hooked up with his first guy.

“My God,” I said, pouring more wine for him. “You’re not gay. It’s just that a traumatic event made you think you were gay.”

Brian shrugged.

I leaned in so that our faces were inches away from each other.

“Maybe I’m bisexual,” he said.

I was willing to accept that. After all, this transition back to straightness might be slow for my new boyfriend.

I nodded and he kissed me a real, passionate kiss.

After dinner, we went to a bar across the street, and although it wasn’t a gay bar, we immediately ran into two gay guys we both knew. One of them, Matt, was hostile to me, even though he had been quite friendly when I met him a few months earlier and he had been hitting on one of my gay male friends.

When Brian went to the bathroom, Matt turned to me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked.

“What are you talking about? You mean, with Brian?”

“Of course I mean with Brian. What kind of game do you think you’re playing?”

“We’re just hanging out, nothing to get worked up about.”

In truth, I imagined that Brian and I were setting new standards of what love could be, but I knew Matt wouldn’t make an appropriate confidante.

Anyway, shouldn’t I be the one concerned that Brian might be playing games with me? After all, I was doing what I had always done: going out with a man. Brian was the one betraying his group.


WHEN Brian came back from the bathroom and Matt went off to smoke, I told him what had happened. He shook his head. “We used to date,” he said of Matt. I should have known; Matt probably wouldn’t be the last of Brian’s exes to have a problem with our transcendent love.

Brian and I went back to my apartment, where I opened a bottle of wine and we both lighted cigarettes. Soon we started kissing. As we kissed, I started to move Brian toward my bedroom, but when we got to the door, he stopped. “I don’t feel comfortable doing anything more,” he said.

“Why?” I asked, feeling like he was suddenly backing out on the courageous and important journey we were taking together.

“Look. That’s all I want to do.”

“No pressure,” I said, kissing his neck.

Brian calmed down, and as we cuddled I tried to erase from my mind the notion that I was someone who puts pressure on men in bed. After a while, we just lay there trading cigarettes and sad stories about our respective dysfunctional families and the times we had been in love or thought we had been in love, doing the postcoital thing without any coitus.

We fell asleep spooning, and during the night I had a dream that took place in Washington, which ordinarily wouldn’t have meant anything, except that when I told Brian about my dream, he said he was born in Washington.

That sealed it: We were soul mates who had been together in previous lifetimes. Given my weakness for storybook love and my well-established history of spontaneous passion (my third date with one guy was, essentially, a move from San Francisco to Los Angeles to live with him), this seemed the only possible explanation for our unlikely and illogical connection.

When I shared these thoughts with Brian, though, he only smiled warily.

Over breakfast, he took a deep breath and gave me the apologetic look I had been dreading from the beginning. “I think you’re fantastic,” he said. “But I have to tell you: I really think I’m gay.”

“But. ” I sputtered. “What about what you were saying about being bisexual?”

“I know I said that,” he said. “But after last night, I think I realized that it’s not true. I’m just gay.”

“But you’re attracted to me. You said it! A few times!” Horrifyingly, I found myself on the verge of tears.

“I know. And I do think you’re very attractive. But I just can’t do this.”

Unconvinced (or in full denial), I later stopped at a spiritual bookstore in West Hollywood that I had passed many times and barely noticed. I was looking for some comfort, some explanation, some confirmation that what I had experienced with Brian was as real and important as I thought it was.

And there, among the collections of crystals, affirmations for inner children and books about creating your own destiny, I found it, the book I had subconsciously been seeking: “Only Love Is Real: A Story of Soulmates Reunited,” by Brian Weiss, M.D. That fact that the author’s first name was the same as my soul mate’s only confirmed that this was the book for me.

I had never been one for self-help or spiritual books, but I was riveted by every word of “Only Love Is Real,” which explained that not everyone was comfortable with the notion of previous lifetimes, let alone the concept of meeting and falling in love with the same person over and over again. I hadn’t exactly been comfortable with it, but now, with Brian, I had come around.

Brian would come around, too, I thought, as I underlined and dog-eared passages and pages I found significant.


THAT night I carried the book along to dinner with Bonnie, certain she would support my exciting new discoveries.

But she, who was as logical and wise about love as I was dramatic and superficial, just shook her head. “Anna, you’re going on no sleep, ranting about how you’ve fallen in love with a gay guy, clutching this crazy book,” she said. “I’m worried about you.”

I slipped the book back into my purse and willed myself to talk about something besides Brian.

I wish I could say that Brian came around. But as days passed without even hearing from him, and then weeks, I had to confront the inevitable.

In the end, it would be months before we ran into each other again, at a bar in Los Feliz, and this time when our eyes met he glanced at me with embarrassment the kind of look I imagine a straight guy might give a gay guy he accidentally ended up in bed with one night when he was feeling experimental.

“I’m so sorry for getting you all mixed up in my confusion,” he said. “I was going through a rough time then.”

A rough time? Confusion? I had so many questions, but my ego and pride (not to mention my suspicion that he wouldn’t have any answers) kept me from doing anything but smiling kindly. “It’s O.K.,” I said. “I understand.”

And I did. Sort of.

Not long after, I came across “Only Love Is Real” in my bedside reading pile and promptly tossed it into the trash, thereby letting go of both Brians at once.

Our love, of course, hadn’t been real, those previous lifetimes had all been in my head, and the only lightning bolt to strike me was the undeniable reality that, with all due respect to Kinsey’s sliding scale of sexual orientation, sometimes gay really means gay.

There's NoSpace for Your Privacy

Los Angeles Times, July, 2006

By Anna David, Special to the Times

This wasn’t love or “friends with benefits.” It was somewhere in between the two, minus anything remotely resembling love or, for that matter, friendship. We were, to use a term I’ve always found creepy, lovers.

He was a fan of “social networking” websites such as Friendster and MySpace. He had, in fact, originally asked me out through Friendster – though only because an email he sent to my regular email address never arrived (a sure sign that the universe had at least made an attempt to protect me).

The entire time we were dating, he seemed to log onto Friendster nearly every day to add photos or captions or new favorite songs – something I swear I wouldn’t have noticed if Friendster didn’t regularly send out cheerful e-mails announcing such developments. Bulletin: Death Cab for Cutie now makes his favorite music section. His constant attention to his Web profiles put me in the tenuous position of being able to take his emotional temperature in the third person – a weirdly “outside” inside view of the relationship.

This hit home on the day, some time between when we met and started sleeping together, that he altered his answer to “Who I Want to Meet.” He expressed desire for skills and attributes I did not possess -- a pretty singing voice, good taste in wine. Finding out that he longed for a cyber girl with skills one might find on an average resume was quite a blow. And not terribly subtle.

The next guy I went out with mentioned the MySpace Top 8 (if you don’t know what that is, I sincerely congratulate you on having a life) on our first date; by the second, he’d moved me onto his. When, on our third date, he asked me when we should change our respective status to “in a relationship,” I told him it was too soon, but the next time I logged onto MySpace, I saw that he had made the move. Simultaneously flattered and pressured, I upgraded my own box within days.


Unfortunately, our Internet claims turned out to be premature, and I found myself breaking things off with my MySpace relationship partner within weeks of having announced it to the 76,509,622 people in my network. Then I was faced with an undeniably modern dilemma: what was the appropriate amount of time to wait before proclaiming myself as single again?
It seems like you can’t turn on the television without seeing an EHarmony commercial featuring two made-for-each-other looking people clutching one another giddily, or go to a dinner party without hearing about some friend of a friend who met the greatest guy or girl on Friendster or MySpace or Nerve or JDate or fillintheblank.com. But my experiences led me to wonder if this revolutionary social tool is actually making the dating process even crueler than it already is.

Did I really need to know that the guy I was seeing was out advertising for my replacement while continuing to sleep with me? Did the one who’d been so ready to claim me in his inner circle of eight (and then his inner circle of two) really need to see how quickly I could expunge him from my cyber world?

That’s not even taking into consideration all out exes, who are surely sprouting up on those websites by the nanosecond. Must we experience the horror of seeing who’s happily in another relationship -- complete with photo documentation of said happy couple – or even worse, married?

I’m probably not a good person to ask. After all, I waited only 24 hours before declaring myself single again, figuring that while I was making My Space my own again, I might as well demote him from my Top 8.

I can only hope that the next guy I meet is a Luddite.

For Guys: A Guide to Girl Talk

This article is currently published on Match.com's online dating and relationship advice magazine, Happen.com

Baffled by what women are getting at half the time you talk to them? Then keep this translation manual handy to decode her most misunderstood lines.

by Amy Spencer

If you’ve ever spoken to a woman, it’s fair to say you’ve been confused by one. Yes doesn’t always mean yes, no doesn’t always mean no, and most of us have once in our lives even admitted, “Well, I may have said that, but I didn’t mean it.” What’s with all the mixed messages? “Women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, so we can check for positive reinforcement before we continue. We want to be careful about the impact we have on the other person,” explains Sharyn Wolf, CSW, a psychotherapist in New York City. But while figuring out what women really want can be difficult, it’s not impossible. So follow this guide to girl-speak. These are some of the things you might hear a woman say as you meet, date and woo her—and the code for reading between the lines.

What she says: “You’re really sweet, but I have a boyfriend.”
What she means: “You’re really sweet, but I definitely don’t want to date you."
Why she says it: It’s a classic barstool scene: You see her sitting by herself and figure it’s as good a time as any to make a move. And it’s all going so well—she’s smiling, she’s answering your questions—until she drops the bomb that she has a boyfriend. Now, she may be telling the truth. But more likely this “boyfriend” is merely a ploy to get you to back off fast. “I use that line all the time, it really works without hurting a guy’s feelings too much,” says Claire McKimmie. “It shows immediately that there’s nothing more to say.”

What she says: “Why don’t I take your number and I’ll call you?”
What she means: “There’s no way I’m giving you my number so why don’t I take yours?”
Why she says it: Even in this day and age, most women like to be pursued, so if we really like you, we’ll happily hand over our digits and wait for you to call. Pretty much the only time we’ll ask for your number is — sorry — when we want to keep the ball in our court and, well, never see you again. Other not-so-great responses: “Why don’t you email me instead,” “You can get my number through our mutual friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend Marcy” or “I’m in the phone book.” Trust us, if she likes you, she’ll make it easy for you to call.

What she says: “Oh, sorry, I already have weekend plans.”
What she means: “I don’t necessarily have weekend plans, but you’re calling so last-minute, I’d feel like a loser if I admitted I was free and took you up on your offer.”
Why she says it: As much as we all say that The Rules is an outdated tome that brews trouble between the sexes, there are still some things we can’t let go of. And one of them is that we don’t want to accept plans with you last-minute, because we don’t want you to think we’re that easy to catch. “If a guy waits until Friday to ask me out on Saturday, I’ll probably say no,” says Claire Arnaud. “He has to work for it. And if he doesn’t have the patience to call back next week, too bad, that’s his loss.”

What she says: “This feels good, but we really shouldn’t.”
What she means: “I want you, bad, but don’t want to get burned.”
Why she says it: The night is winding down, and it’s time to decide whether she should hold ’em, fold ’em, or hop in the sack with you. So if your date isn’t telling you a flat-out “No,” “I don’t want to,” or “I don’t like you that way,” chances are she really does like you — and want you — that way. She’d just rather wait a few weeks or months until she knows you’re not a love-’em-and-leave-’em type. “It’s possible she’s been in the position before of sleeping with a man and wanting to hear from him and then not hearing from him—and she doesn’t want to make that mistake again,” says Wolf. So if you’re a guy who really does want the relationship to go further (be honest now), it’s worth telling her so to see if she’ll change her mind.

What she says: “So, what have you been up to?”
What she means:“Why haven’t you called me? Are you seeing someone else?”
Why she says it: If we haven’t talked to you in a few weeks and then you suddenly start calling again, all we want to know is, What the heck took you so long? But because we want you to think we’re laid-back “Hey, whatever” women, all we dare squeeze out is a general inquiry. “I don’t want him to know I care,” says Emilie Giroud Capet. Our biggest fear? That you’ve been calling other women instead of us. Whether that’s the case or not, you’re best off filling in your missing weeks with very un-sexy things. “I’m hoping he’ll tell me he’s been working really hard,” says Emilie, “or better, that he’s been really sick.”

What she says: “If you want to have a guy’s night, go ahead, fine.”
What she means: “I really, really don’t want you to go. And if you do, I’m going to be pissed.”
Why she says it: It seemed innocuous enough: You asked her if she’d mind rescheduling your romantic night in so you could go out with the guys. She’s given you the green light. So what’s the red flag in that statement? The word “fine.” See, when a woman says something is fine, it’s decidedly not. “A woman will say it’s fine for him to go without her because she doesn’t want to get in a fight about it, even though deep down, she doesn’t want him to go without her,” says Wolf. Another phrase women often use to clue you into their displeasure: “If you like.” As in, “Sure, you can go out with the guys tonight, if you like.” That’s a pretty clear sign that while you may like it, she sure won’t. Either way, feel free to play dumb and go out with your buddies—just be ready to accept the consequences when you return.

What she says: “So, tell me about Diane.”
What she means: “Should I be threatened by Diane?”
Why she says it: When a man brings up another female’s name in the midst of a story, a woman’s internal panic button is pressed—she fears that you’re talking about her because you’re secretly attracted to her. So until you make it clear you wouldn’t touch Diane with a ten-foot pole, our insecurities will lead us to assume she’s a wasp-waisted blonde who laughs at your jokes—and you’d love to take her to bed. So if Diane is attractive and bed-able, please don’t say, “She’s really cool.” Instead try, “Diane’s just someone I work with. Boy, she can be annoying sometimes. Some guys at the office have the hots for her but I don’t get it; she’s not all that.”

What she says: “I love the way you smell.”
What she means: “I love you, but I don’t dare tell you I love you before you tell me you love me.”
Why she says it: “I just told the guy I’ve been dating for three weeks that I loved the way he smelled,” says Lili De Monseignat, “but it’s more him that I love than his smell.” Then why hold back? Because women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle. “It’s too soon to tell him I love him, because he’ll freak out and run away!” says Lili. But if you want to be loved, perk your ears up for the word itself. “I love your dog,” “I love your apartment,” “I love the way you dress,” and “I love that you love Indian food” are all signs that something big is bubbling underneath that little heart of hers. In other words, gentlemen, please be gentle.

Amy Spencer writes for Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Real Simple, among other publications, and currently doles out relationship advice to men every week on SIRIUS Radio's Maxim channel.

You can also link directly to this article on Happen.com, where you will find plenty more of my dating advice:
Happen Magazine: A Guide to Girl Talk

—Amy

Turn Her "No" Into a "Go"

Originally printed in Men's Fitness Magazine
Click on images to read the text...which you should!



—Amy

The Last Seduction

RAZOR, July/August, 2005
Every Maverick needs a Goose, but should you pay for one?
By Anna David
The concept of men showing other men how to pick up women isn't entirely new. Not only was there Ross Jeffries' 1992 book How to Get the Women You Desire Into Bed (which emphasized conscious manipulation), but you men have been casually coaching your buddies on how to acquire would-be conquests (in exchange for wingman credit) for years. Yet Hitch fever seems to be sweeping the nation of late, with a variety of pickup gurus claiming they can teach men how to make us limp with list -- for a small fee.

It all seems to have shifted up a few gears several years ago when an inordinately tall Canadian named Erik von Merkovik (nom de plume: Mystery) began gaining online attention for developing things like "the neg theory," which essentially says that the best way for a man to get a hot woman interested is to lob her a qualifier that's designed to both compliment and subtly one-up her (e.g., "Nice nails - are they real?"). Since then, companies like Double Your Dating, Real Social Dynamics and Pick Up 101 have popped up everywhere, and while we ladies sat home watching Sex and the City, many of you were learning how to make us want to have sex in your city.

Like most women who'd gotten wind of this, I was distinctly unimpressed. The last thing our society needed, I thought, was more men abandoning actual intimate relationships for casual one-night affairs. Besides, I can basically recall only one time when I was actually seduced - that is, where I succumbed to a guy's advances based almost entirely on his efforts to woo me. See, addicted as I am to my alpha-female role - I tend to decide whom I want and then engage in mutual, verbal and physical flirting - I essentially believed that the mating dance happened naturally, and not by following a set of rules complete with its own glossary (see sidebar).

I was also highly skeptical of the fact that seduction was something that could be taught at all, and quite convinced that men trying to do so were essentially old-fashioned shysters trying to feed on - and exploit - the insecurity (and wallets) of other men.

So when Seth Parker, one of my seduction instructors for the afternoon, explained that he might hit on me in a bookstore by wrapping up a magazine and bopping me on the head with it, I casually explained where I would have wanted to shove that magazine. (Guys, this is not an "approach" I'd recommend, unless you happen to be, say, Colin Farrell.)

Seth is partners with Cameron Theone, Ranko Magami, and Robert Torrey in Fidentia (“confidence” in Latin), an LA-based company that teaches nebbishy, bespectacled or simply curious men to discover their inner sex gods (www.fidentia.org). By the end of one of their three-day, $650, bimonthly workshops, a graduate should be able to walk up to a group of attractive women (known in these circles as a "cold approach"), single out the cutest one and seduce her. All three days of the workshop, in fact, end in bars and nightclubs where students can try out their new skills while their proud tutors look on from their own tables of conquests.

On the surface, none of Fidentia's three partners (Ranko lives in Europe, where he's currently working on an eight-CD seduction series) scream lady-killer. But I guess this makes sense. I mean, how could a group of AFC's (Average Frustrated Chumps) relate to a triumvirate of Brad Pitt doppelgangers? I was surprised to discover, however, that all three of these guys were actually quite articulate, peppering their conversation with enough three-syllable words that I started to believe they weren’t just for the tape recorder’s benefit. And when they swore that most of the men that come to them want girlfriends and not a succession of one-nighters, I actually believed them.

Robert mapped out an eight-part strategy that made sense, including getting comfortable by taking up more physical space (I'm a fan of any guy who's comfortable with his body, because it suggests a certain level of innate sexual confidence), and watching the coveted girl for I.O.I.’s, (Indicators of Interest, like playing with her hair, smiling, teasing you and asking questions about you). Most women could fill notebooks with incidents where men seemed to be utterly devoid of this skill, but I still wasn't remotely willing to imagine that any of this crap could actually work on me.

Until I told Seth as much, and, thoroughly undeterred, he glanced over at me casually and uttered, "Well, I probably wouldn't hit on you, anyway."

Now, I'm not stupid. I understood the game he was playing, and that he was a self-defined expert at it. But I have to admit that it threw me off a bit.

Cameron was even better at defying my expectations. I wasn't thoroughly charmed by his bravado on the notion of cold approaching ("I don't even consider meeting a girl after exchanging eye contact a cold approach anymore - that's just for amateurs") but he began to win me over when he explained what women want in men. "The time of watching Steel Magnolias and The English Patient and crying together is over," he declared. "If you're a guy, be a guy. Don't kiss ass; don't supplicate. Don't be wishy-washy, indecisive, and overly needy. Are you conveying playful, a guy who has a strong reality and purpose and goes out and gets what he wants, or are you the guy that's nervous and needy and seems to be saying, 'If I buy you a drink, will you like me?'"

And Cameron and Co. don't perpetuate things like the neg theory, or believe that women like men who are assholes - just that we respond when someone is both strong and light in their approach (say, asking a girl out playfully, making it clear that you won’t resent her if she says no), which is a harder combination to master than you might think because of a little thing called the male ego.

Still, some of what these guys suggest may still be a bit much. Seth thinks that men should approach women they don't know with the same confidence they would an acquaintance of five years, and believes that even if women are blatantly rude, they shouldn't falter. "If a really nerdy guy walks up to a group of really beautiful girls and he says, 'Hey,' and they say, 'Fuck off,' he's probably going to bend over and walk away," says Seth. "But if a better looking guy who has more money than Donald Trump walks up and they say, 'Fuck off,' he's probably going to say, 'Yeah, right,' and stay there."

But where does this kind of advice leave us, exactly? Is approaching women and pretending not to notice that they're annoyed actually a good idea? I mean, where's the line between confident guy and annoying lech?

"Whenever I go actively seeking seduction as a primary motive, I usually end up going home alone," says Colin, an attractive actor. "My most successful 'seductions' have been moderately random, when I'm relaxed and genuinely interested in something relating to the woman." Still, Colin concedes that teaching shy guys to be more confident and deserving of whatever women they're attracted to "is not a bad thing." As Colin says, "Many of us will not talk to that 'hot chick' based simply on the feeling that we're not good enough."

My friend Peter, meanwhile, is irritated by the very notion of seduction instructors. "I don't believe in tricks or gimmicks or any of the crap these guys recommend," he says, relaying a time he was at a wedding with a hair model and one of these coaches, "a big loser," says Peter, "was all alone and jealous."

There are others who agree with Peter. As my friend Veronica says, "I'm a fan of mystery [note the lower-case m], so I like it if a guy keeps himself a little at arm's length." And my friend C.J. says that if she's not immediately attracted to a guy, he doesn't stand a chance.

So, is this seduction instruction thing a waste of time and money, or the answer to a lifetime of the cold shoulder? I guess it depends on the guy - not to mention the girl he's after. But a class could at least help remind men that sometimes all you need to do is try. In these days of appropriate behavior and mutual respect, we women can go months without even being flirted with. And, apologies to the PC police (not that I imagine many of you read Razor), but, take it from a woman -- being pursued with a light, playful touch feels good.

Take the way Cameron treated me. "Here's my number, in case you decide you want to go on a date," he said as I was leaving, and though I don't imagine that happening (I'm not going to date a dating instructor, even if we could sell the rights to our story and make a mint), he did manage to make me do a complete 180 simply by keeping up his end of our verbal bantering without getting defensive or letting me intimidate him. And if other men who might otherwise walk right by or sit in silence can learn that in a class, I say sign on up.

Then, once you've got the flirting thing down, we can cry together over Beaches all we want.

Just a Gigolo
If you're interested in finding the class that can help bring out your hidden ladies man, check out the following:

Mystery Method – A method overseen by Mystery, and his henchmen Savoy, Lovedrop, Sinn, DJ, Misschievous, Francis, Ludechick and Samurai, the Mystery Method is a system of attraction that’s been developed over the past decade; popular Mystery moves include the “neg theory” and the three-second rule (approaching a girl within three seconds of making eye contact with her). Workshops are all over North America and Europe and cost $850 for three days and $1850 for three days and three nights. (www.mysterymethod.com)

Real Social Dynamics - A company that offers Bootcamp ($1500 for three days of intensive one-on-one education) as well as $900 seminars worldwide that teach men such things as how to create "cocky and funny material on the sly" and how to play hard-to-get. (www.realsocialdynamics.com)

Speed Seduction – Workshops taught by the master himself, Ross Jeffries, can be found all over the world ($995 for three days) with Jeffries’ unconditional guarantee: “If you don’t get laid, I don’t get paid.” (www.seduction.com)

Dating Workshop Glossary:
Target: The woman you’re after
Number close:You ended the conversation with her phone number
Kiss Close:You also swapped a little spit
Excuser: A guy who makes every excuse to not approach a woman or start a conversation with her
PUA: Pick up Artist
LJBF: "Let's just be friends." (Essentially, the last thing on earth a PUA wants his target to say)

Ready to Break Up? Read This

This article is currently published on Match.com's online dating and relationship advice magazine, Happen.com


If you’re about to declare your independence, here are six ways to deliver the news (at least one of them will suit your situation.)

By Amy Spencer

Just as the old song says, breaking up is hard to do. So hard that some people keep dating months and years longer than they want to, just to avoid having to deliver the news. And that simply shouldn’t be the case. But sometimes it’s hard to know how to make the break.

Here, we take a look at six of the most common breakup techniques—what’s good about each, what’s bad, when to deploy each method and when not to. Take a look at these routes to Splitsville, and see which one suits your situation...and remember, do your best to always be kind and have good breakup karma.

1. The “We need to talk” talk
If you and your significant other have ever referred to one another as “boyfriend” or “girlfriend,” sitting down for a face-to-face, level-headed conversation is usually considered the best, most considerate tactic.

Pros: The “We need to talk” phrase is so notoriously linked to doom, so if you can spit that much out, you have a running start toward the end. You also get credit for being mature and fair, which keeps the door open for a friendship in the future, and doesn’t mar your reputation—which is vital if the two of you run in a similar group of friends.

Cons: You may have to endure extreme anxiety in the hours or weeks leading up to having the conversation. And though you may start the talk calmly, you have no control over what happens next. “After I explained to my girlfriend that our relationship was over, I made the mistake of suggesting we go for a walk to keep talking about it,” says Jason McIntyre, 28. “What started out as a silent walk by the water turned into a loud argument and her calling me names in front of a huge group of people.”

Tip: Prepare a bulletproof answer to the “But why?” question that will come up again and again. Your best bet: Reveal an issue you have that they can’t solve. It may be better for both of you if he or she walks away saying, “It’s true, the jerk does have serious mother issues...”

2. The un-love letter
On Sex and the City, Berger dumped Carrie with a Post-it. But there are a lot more sophisticated ways to get the bad news across—everything from a bona fide pen-to-paper “Dear John” letter to e-mail, voicemail, and text-messaging.

Pros: This is the right tactic for people who really can’t handle confrontations. If you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings, it’s a lot less painful for you if you can avoid seeing the look on their face that comes with it... and possibly the tears or words that follow. Also, if it is hard for you to get your feelings out in a conversation, a letter allows you to do so without getting sidetracked.

Cons: You will be called cowardly, cold-hearted and 4,000 other unprintable things by the other party involved. You deny them the opportunity to ask questions, process the situation with you, and have that all-important “closure.” “A guy I was dating for a year and a half stopped calling me back, then let himself into my apartment with his set of keys and left me sunflowers, the keys, and a breakup note that said nothing but to have a good time on a trip I was taking,” recalls one woman. “I was so taken aback. What a coward!”

Tip: The more words you write, the better. If you’re actually contemplating doing this to end a long-term relationship, you can somewhat save face by writing a page for every year you were together. Often, it’s not a letter or email itself that pisses someone off—it’s a short, flip letter.

3. The vanishing act
If you’re living in a place where you can get lost in the crowd, then literally doing so is one way to opt out.

Pros: This break-up tactic has two qualities that make it attractive to some: It requires less than zero effort, and it’s somewhat non-committal. Because there’s never a definitive breakup, some people can get away with contacting their ex weeks or months later to say hi or even restart things. If they run into their former sweetie accidentally, they say, “Hey, whatever happened with us, anyway?”

Cons: This break-up method is usually used when a relationship was just budding and no real connections had been forged. But to pull this stunt further along the love timeline is insanely disrespectful of your former sweetie’s emotions, not to mention time and energy. Here’s why: The person who gets dumped this way will take some time to catch on, and during that time, will be working quite hard to track you down. (It’s not uncommon for the dumpee in this situation to believe that something bad has befallen the dumper.) “I was dating a guy for three months when he disappeared, and I was a wreck because I thought something horrible had happened to him,” explains Jennifer Schwarz, 32. “I figured out he was just fine, thanks, when I went by his apartment and discovered he'd moved out. What a waste of my worrying!”

Tip: If the person you’re dumping knows where you live, where you work, or what Starbucks you go to in the morning, be prepared for an eventual awkward, angry confrontation.

4. The time-out tactic
When you want to cool off a relationship instead of ending it cold, the “let’s take a break” technique can work well.

Pros: If you are leaning towards breaking up but aren’t 100-percent ready to call it quits, this method can clarify where things stand. If you do know you want out, then this is a way to let someone down easy... you are telling them that the situation isn’t working and you’re trying to get some perspective. This can give the dumpee a chance to get used to his or her upcoming shift back to single status.

Cons: This can be emotional torture for both of you. Obviously, the person getting offloaded will be hurt and confused, but dragging it out can also be confusing to your own psyche. “I told a woman I was dating for six years that I wanted a break, but after a few weeks, I missed her and asked to get back together,” explains Sam Syed, 40. “Two weeks after she took me back, she dumped me! It was an emotional rollercoaster I wish we could have avoided.”

Tip: Don’t suggest seeing other people. It will be a lot less messy if you make this about taking time to think on your own, without adding other people—and jealousy—into it.

5. The ex-factor
Sometimes it feels much easier to bow out of a relationship if you say you can’t resist the gravitational pull of an old amour.

Pros: It may sting a little less on the dumpee’s end to hear this excuse versus being told “You’re just not it for me.” “I always say I’m getting back with my ex because I think it’s better for women to hear; it’s like a pre-existing condition,” says Todd Bush, 36. “I’m telling them I didn’t find someone better, but that I’m caught up in the feelings I had for someone before.”

Cons: If you’re not really going back to an ex, then you could get caught, which is embarrassing for both of you.

Tip: Make sure your mutual friends have your story straight—and the fewer details they have, the fewer they have to screw up. You wouldn’t want one saying to the person you just broke up with: “What are you talking about? His ex got married to someone else last year!”

6. The send-a-messenger method
This tactic involves sending someone else to do your dirty work, so you don’t have to deal with it yourself. Hey, subpoena messengers work for our judicial system...

Pros: Turning what could be an emotional moment into a business transaction can keep the dumpee’s reaction rather restrained. In fact, I was recently blown off via a man’s best friend: What started out as a “vanishing act” turned into a “send-a-messenger” method using the “ex-factor” excuse. “By the way,” the friend told me, “Tom wanted me to tell you he’s sorry, but he started seeing this girl he used to go out with.” I must admit, I was so befuddled by who was doing what to whom, it worked brilliantly.

Cons: Frankly, it’s a little fourth-grade. And you certainly had better not be using this on anyone who’s more than a casual date or yours. And, hey, you’re going to owe that friend you’ve sent, big-time.

Tip: Empower your messenger to offer a good eye-rolling and “I don’t know what his/her problem is” to soften the blow.

Amy Spencer is a freelance writer who covers relationships and lifestyle stories for Glamour, Maxim, Real Simple and other publications. While she admits to having used a few of the tactics explained here, it only dawned on her while writing this that, sadly, she’s been on the receiving end of even more.

You can also link directly to this article on Happen.com, where you will find plenty more of my dating advice: Happen.com: Ready to Break Up?

—Amy