Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Truth About Women

RAZOR, April, 2005

Anna reveals what really drives the ladies crazy (and not) in the bedroom

By Anna David

When it comes to communication between the sexes, most of us are at a loss. We women can read all the self-help books we want, name all the various planets we think you’re from, and determine just how “not into us” you are, but in doing so we’re ignoring one essential truth: you men are just as perplexed by us as we are by you. And the bedroom can sometimes be the epicenter of such confusion.

It all boils down to the fact that we’ll talk to our mothers, therapists, manicurists, and Starbucks pushers– in short, anyone -- about what really turns us on and off before we’ll reveal it to you. Sure, I can tell a guy where to go and what to do – to a point. Certain topics make me squeamish, while others veer dangerously close to revealing the fact that I’m not the Major Sex Goddess I’d like you to believe I am. And some things are just too damn embarrassing to discuss between the sheets.

So I’ve taken it upon myself – with some help from my friends CJ, Leslie and Heather – to diminish the gap in communication between the sexes by revealing some of those sexual secrets we’re least likely to discuss with you. Just don’t assume that listening in on our conversation is an invitation to bring such issues up with the ladies in your life; if you haven’t figured it out by now, the only universal truth about all women is that we’re maddeningly, pathologically unpredictable. Isn’t that’s why we captivate and frustrate you so?

This seemingly erratic behavior definitely rings true in the anal department. You know you've tried to convince us to try it in the name of fun or sexual experimentation, and you've probably received mixed reaction, ranging from a raised eyebrow to an "I'll try anything once" smirk. Now, as someone who’s so uncomfortable with certain bodily functions that I’d basically rather have a man think of me as a raging psychopath than as a creature that eliminates waste on a regular basis, I’m not exactly in the anal sex “target audience.” When it comes to sex, I’d essentially like to ignore the fact that we each have body parts capable of emitting scents horrific enough to blind a cat. Most of the men I’ve been with have seemingly been aware enough of my issues – perhaps my horror at the sight of those magazines stacked next to their toilet wasn’t so subtle – to never broach the subject.

That doesn’t mean that my backside is entirely innocent, however. The odd finger or tongue has found its way there over the years – and no one has been more surprised than me to discover all the pleasure to be had. My feelings on the matter are essentially the same as those of Leslie and CJ. “When I dated a guy that used to lick and kiss back there, it felt amazing,” says Leslie. ”But I’ve never had anal sex and I’m deathly afraid of it – I mean, I shiver and shake when I’m having a colonic.” CJ nods in agreement. “I don’t let anyone near my butt” is all she uttered.

“Heather,” who happens to be married, was the sole dissenter in our group. (Not to dash the dreams of those who’ve recently gotten down on one knee, but it should be pointed out that Heather’s anal openness has nothing to do with the fact that she’s married to Tom.) “I haven’t done it in like 15 years because Tom’s really huge and it would be absolutely excruciating with him,” she explains. (Heather’s name has been changed but Tom’s hasn’t -- altering the identity of a largely endowed man just doesn’t seem right.) “I’ve really liked it in the past – especially when the guy would touch me in the front at the same time,” she adds. “Also, guys like it so much and I enjoyed being the girl who was so accommodating.”

The fact is, my extremely unscientific research has led me to believe that in the same way you’re never going to convince a window seat person that an aisle is better, you’re probably not going to be able to convince a girl that doesn’t want to try anal that she should. And the more you push it, the more she’s probably going to wonder about your obsession with her back-door policy.

While anal sex is surely a top fantasy for most of you, we women are far less predictable when it comes to what mental images turn us on the most. We share some of our fantasies with you, but a lot of the stuff we’re envisioning when we’re in bed with you (or a battery-operated friend) just isn’t good coitus gab.

My imagination was pornographic long before I saw my first porn. My favorite fantasy, about being a secretary and getting a little overworked on my boss’ desk, captivated the bulk of my 20-something masturbatory thoughts. (Crucial note to former male employers: These fantasies were not about you; they were about the eroticism of power dynamics and the thrill of the taboo.) My other “go to” sequence revolves around being so overwhelmed with libidinous lust in a public place that my guy and I must escape to a bathroom stall to satiate one another. When I ran these scenes by my girls, however, I didn’t find a lot of common ground.

“I always fantasize that I’m the only female viper pilot on Battlestar Galactica and Apollo’s my boyfriend and we go on missions and have sex on different planets,” reveals CJ. “I also have one about being Michael Knight’s sidekick on Knight Rider, fighting crime with him all over America in KITT the car, and having sex in hotels,” she adds, solidifying my theory that she watches way too much bad TV.

Heather’s fantasies revolve around someone far more famous than David Hasselhoff (outside of Germany, anyway). “I pretty much just think about Johnny Depp,” she confesses. “Or, I think about being in a threesome with Johnny Depp and another girl and having the girl go down on me.” While Heather’s been in threesomes in the past – none, hold the Us Weekly, with Depp – she thinks the reason all this rules her fantasy life now is that it’s not something that’s ever going to happen again.

My advice is go ahead and ask the girl with the clenched eyelids what she’s got on her mind. Who knows? You may be able to help make her fantasies a reality.

One thing I can pretty much guarantee no woman fantasizes about is a guy that can have sex for hours on end. I know that standard thinking dictates that we women want guys who can give it to us all night and are repulsed by the notion of a guy that comes too fast. But standard thinking is wrong. Most women I know have had great sex turn into boringly painful sex when her virile bed buddy makes the mistake of mistaking “longer” for “better.”

Truthfully, there are few sentences I like less than “Tell me when you want me to come.” Because the answer is simple and obvious: I want you to come when you’re so overcome with excitement that you can’t do anything else! CJ concurs. “It’s just not sexy when a guy is trying not to,” she says. “I want them to just enjoy the moment.”

While Leslie isn’t a fan of never-ending sex, she thinks there’s something endearing about the efforts men make to provide it. “It’s cute when they’re up in their head trying not to come,” she says. “It shows that they’re trying to put you first. I always think, ‘I wonder what he’s thinking about – baseball or enchiladas?’’”

Don’t get me wrong – we like that you care about our pleasure. It’s just that plain old sex doesn’t always do it for a woman -- and the hours you spend trying to prove otherwise can turn tomorrow’s attempt to pee into an experience only a handful of Oxycontin can ease. I’m certainly not saying that premature ejaculation is the new black; it’s just that in our Viagra-laden culture, a guy that can “hold out forever” is less appealing than a guy who knows how much it turns us on to see – and feel – them when they lose it completely. And that’s the truth.

Going back to school these days can be terribly exciting, if you consider what the following institutions have to offer:

Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts
( Offers classes for men that reveal everything from how and where women like to be touched to the pickup lines that work. Though the school is in New York, classes can also be completed via telephone correspondence. Typical class selling line: “If you want to add some swash to your buckle, this class is for you.” Most one-day courses cost $250.

Erotic University
( Offers both in-person instruction in downtown L.A. and online classes on their “virtual campus.” Upcoming LA courses include “How to Pick Up Women for Threesomes” and “How to Direct Adult Videos. They have an online library, an auditorium, campus store, health center and a computer sciences department that teaches people how to keep their personal Internet explorations private. Online registration costs $35.

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